kids are home

I picked my kids up from school / preschool yesterday. They had spent the previous two nights with their dad. It was so good to have them home! Their father and I have not lived together for eighteen months now, but it was only six months ago that it became certain he and I were over. So, we are all still adjusting to everything, and I don't think a reliable enough routine has yet been established, which affects the kids primarily, but others too. My youngest, and only son, turns 3 at the end of May. He gets so excited about seeing his dad, it makes his absence all the more apparent. My second-born turns six at the end of May. Because their dad is spending little time with them, and in such a haphazard manner, she becomes clingy and teary and quite distraught before she spends a couple of nights with him, although I think I see the worst of it, and once she is with him she settles down pretty quickly and mostly enjoys the time. My eldest turned eight at the end of February. Still so young. And yet, because she is the eldest, and the three of them are sharing all this upheaval together, she seems to take on so much responsibility. She often becomes anxious just before she spends time with her dad, and expresses that she doesn't want to go, and then seems to dismiss her anxiety with bravado and, as the eldest, resign herself to it for my sake and the sake of her brother and sister. I think her anxiety, like her sister's, dissipates pretty quickly and she, also, mainly enjoys her time with her dad. It is just quite upsetting for me to know they, at such young ages, feel that initial moment of insecurity, especially with someone they love, and who once upon a time was always there for them, and whom I never imagined wouldn't be, no matter what happened between us.